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Making a Happy Marriage
by Dr. Johnny O. Trail, LMFT
Recent scholarship has demonstrated that stronger marriages tend to focus on connection to one’s mate rather than self-enhancement. Studies in the past have emphasized relationship satisfaction models which tended to focus on the individual in the marriage rather than the quality of the marital union. People who research issues such as marital happiness have tended to focus on the satisfaction of the individual due to the nature of the society one lives in—a society that stresses individualism and personal fulfillment as the highest virtues to be achieved. One source avers, “If personal happiness is the ultimate outcome of marriage, then marriage will become a consumer good for individuals, evaluated and appraised through the lens of personal happiness.”1

In dealing with the reality of marital relationships, there are times when a person might not be happy about the situation in which they find themselves. Is personal happiness the summum bonum2 of the human experience in marriage? Is it valid, and godly, for one to admit that there are times when one is unhappy as an individual but willing to work hard to make their mate happy? To this end, certain researchers have identified four responsible behaviors of high-connection couples. These behaviors include, spending meaningful time together, engaging in acts of kindness, forgiving one another, and engaging in relationship maintenance.3

Mindfulness is an important consideration in couples counseling. Strong couples spend meaningful time together. Meaningful time includes dating and making it a point to interact with one another. The biblical parallel is God’s desire to have fellowship and communion with His people (cf. Hebrews 10:25). Unfortunately, complications tend to arise when couples have schedules that make regular interactions impossible or difficult to occur. Sometimes work and other activities can cause a couple to become like “ships in the night, ever passing, but never connecting.” This can spell disaster for a marriage. Couples need to make time for marriage and family.

Acts of kindness were another key characteristic of high-connection couples. Couples who engaged in acts of kindness were better equipped to move on from negative interactions, engage in forgiveness, and have more vibrant interactions as they progressed through the life cycle of their marriages. The biblical parallel of this concept might be the servant model that Paul suggests for all Christians. He says in Philippians 2:5-8 says, “Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.”

Forgiving offenses was also important in consideration of high-connection couples. In other words, is your mate, “quick to forgive when you make a mistake?” Couples in problematic communications tend to focus on mistakes and fail to move on from negative interactions. While it is not always easy to “forgive and forget,” one needs to forgive and move past mistakes that are made by one’s spouse. Failure to do so creates a sense of hopelessness in the marriage.

This is reflected by the response of Jesus in Matthew 18 regarding the number of times that one needs to forgive the trespasses of someone who wrongs another person. Matthew 18:21-22 says, “Then

Peter came to Him and said, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times? Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.’” All facets of life require forgiveness of others. This is especially the case in marriage. We need to have an attitude of forgiveness when our spouse makes a mistake, and, as much as is possible, try not to dwell on wrongs that have been committed.

Finally, high-connection couples work at maintaining their relationship. Every important relationship needs to be maintained in some fashion. Married people need to maintain high levels of responsible actions to enhance their relationships. One source says, “…high connection couples are also significantly more likely to engage in relationship maintenance behaviors in their relationship, such as expressing needs, discussing problems, and setting goals for improvement…”4 Dealing with problems when they emerge and expressing thoughts and emotions, is an important aspect of this consideration.

Strong couples also set future goals. If a couple is focused on the future, there is a clear indication that they plan on being together for a long time.

Each of these characteristics underscores something that escapes most people in relationships. Namely, we are not engaged in marriage and other pursuits for our own happiness—it is a byproduct of seeking to serve and fulfill others. This study redefines marital happiness as a fruit of the relationship rather than the source of it. Moreover, couples need to re-evaluate the wisdom of pursuing happiness as the emphasis of their attempts to strengthen the relationship. As a matter of fact, a recent study has shown that there is a “paradox of pursing happiness” which shows that a greater emphasis on happiness tends to result in people having less happiness in their lives.5

Couples should be more invested in creating a life together than focusing on the individual emotional payoff of marriage. No doubt, couples want happiness and joy in their lives, but we need to move beyond defining our happiness by our own individual standards. Philippians 2:4 says, “Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” No greater advice can be given than Paul’s admonition to all Christians in this passage for strong relationships.

1 Galovan, Adam M. et al. (2024) “Flourishing Marriages are Made, Not Found.” Institute for Family Studies, No. 5. Number 5 in 2024: Flourishing Marriages Are Made, Not Found | Institute for Family Studies
2 Summum bonum is a Latin maxim that means the highest good. https://mindfulstoic.net.
3 Galovan, Adam M. et al.
4 Ibid.
5 Zerwas, F. K., & Ford, B. Q. (2021). The paradox of pursuing happiness. Current Opinion in Behavioral Sciences, 39, 106–112. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cobeha.2021.03.006

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